Certificates and Declarations

President of the Discordians

CMU, the college I attended, has an annual Activity Fair to draw the newcome freshmen on to pleasures -- glean what afflicts them. Or what will afflict them. Clubs, activities, social groups, and so on.

It struck my fancy, one year, to create a bunch of cards advertising a nonexistent club: the CMU Discordian Society. So I had 500 business cards printed up in a fine magenta:

"The Bearer of this card is the PRESIDENT of the CMU Discordian Society. Authorized by the CMU Discordian Society and the Rosipiscean Society. This office may not be bought, sold, or traded. Resignation will be accepted if accompanied by a list of reasons and a large fee."

(And, of course, a small FNORD in the bottom corner. Backwards.)

My friends and I handed out most of these cards. We did not receive a single resignation fee. We judged the event to be a success.

Certification of Enlightenment

The next year, I created the following cards in dark green:

"Certification of ENLIGHTENMENT. The Bearer is in an accredited state of GRACE and has the favor of any deity, demiurge, higher being, or other manifestation. Fully licensed for inner serenity and wisdom; may supply rays of Hope in troubled times. Like now. Esoteric platitudes available in moderation. Do not use while under the influence of dogma. Authorized by CMU Discordian Society and the Order of Rosipisceans."

Again, hundreds of people were enlightened.

Share of the Universe

The third year's effort, in night-blue:

"1 Universe Share. This bond represents one (1) fractional Share of the Universe, including all stars, planets, nebulae, and other bodies therein. The bearer has plenipotentiary powers within the Share, and is fully responsible for all orbits, conjunctions, supernovae, and other astronomical phenomena in that region. Sentient species must be negotiated with. Valid for all eternity; after that, contracts will be reviewed based on performance. Not guaranteed beyond event horizons. Warning: this Share includes more than you can expect."


Actually, I wrote these in PostScript. With a plain old text editor. It's a programming language, right? I wrote the programs.

I won't claim they're elegant programs.

The various icons, glyphs, logos, and in-jokes are from various sources. I won't confuse you (myself?) by explaining any of them.

Feel Free

The text, images and PostScript files of these three cards are in the public domain. Use, alter for your own purposes, or what you will. Enjoy.

Last updated January 12, 1998.

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